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January 15
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The Sneaker Princess - Ch 1 by Aio-chan The Sneaker Princess - Ch 1 by Aio-chan

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Preview art is a snippet from a larger piece done by - lanton.deviantart.com (I really need to learn how to do Icon linking.)

...still not honestly sold on the title. It's the best I could come up with for now. XP

Editing was done a bit hastily on this one so apologies if more text errors than usual crop up. Was a bit more concerned with the character presentation, character logic, and the sheer amount of exposition in this. Feels like all three are potential weak points but, as usual, I could be over criticizing myself. Not sure really.

Think the problem is I've never been too confident with my set ups and Kari makes for potentially a rough character to read; simply because I'm trying to utilize a logic-focused character who 'isn't' a brain box (since most stories usually default to having those go hand in hand).

Eh, enough rambling. Throwing this into the pool and seeing what all of you think.

Enjoy~.

-Aio

Chapter Length: 6,017 Words
:iconyomerome:
yomerome Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2014
I took time to read the chapter and overall is good.

However the author makes some common mistakes, first he is giving up the story. For what I read I have a pretty good idea on how will end.

Make your dialogs consistent.

Don't wonder around with unnecessary details. Focus on the main idea of the story.

The author uses too much adjetives. That makes the reading very super unpractically teadios for the reader.

There are other minor details, but those are the important ones.
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:icongluepaw:
Gluepaw Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
iiiiinteresting

will read more

(also, icon linking is : icon username :  )
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:iconaio-chan:
Aio-chan Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2014
Thanks for that. XD I'll have to test it later.

At least the story seems to have some hook to it already then. When mulling over the pacing I'm not sure how quickly the 'main' concept can be inserted. So worries about it starting too slow are there. XP
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