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Aio-chan
Level 3 Rookie Novelist
Artist
United States
Current Residence: Telavrius
Favourite genre of music: J-Pop
Favourite photographer: N/A
Favourite style of art: Anime style of course. XD
Favourite cartoon character: Sonic the Hedgehog
Personal Quote: I think I might just curl up into the fetal position and vomit...possibly in reverse order.
Interests
Progress: 14/14 Chapters

I've got the changes completed. X-x Going to share the change log here before I update the file tomorrow. Expect a full-version upload sometime in the afternoon/evening. Or early morning depending on when I wake up. XD

If you're curious about the 'why' on some changes, consider word-repetition to be the most common culprit for changing out typically harmless lines.
___________________
Chapter 1
"You bet is pretty much" -> "Your bet is pretty much"
"The shorter of the two girls" -> "The shorter of the pair"
"four inches" -> "foot and a half"
"adjusting her elbow" -> "adjusting her elbow's resting place"
"She knew Kari wasn't going to...,so she attempted..." - > "Orianna tugged unsuccessfully against the pinned cloth, knowing Kari wasn't just going to have a moment of mercy even if she begged for it."
"close arm" -> "arm"
"this many" -> "how many"
"no-so-innocent" - > "devil-may-care
"squeaked out" -> "stammered"
"managing to Orianna" -> "managing to keep Orianna"
"grumbled; looking" -> "grumbled, looking"
"that face" -> "that look"
"The moment her questions turned to" - > "The moment their conversation"
"obviously relaxed and became" -> "tension melted and she became"
"teased" -> "taunted"
"some of the others in gym group" -> "some of the others from my gym class"
"to talk besides the" -> "to talk to aside from the"
"visibly over" -> "tantalizingly over"
"pouting; turning the conversation" -> "pouting, turning their conversation away from blackmail"
"eccentric backer what used" -> "exxentric backer, what used"
"academy which" -> "academy. Which"
"Additionally an entire annex of the school was devoted to" -> "Additionally they completely devoted an entire annex of the school to"
"artifacts, a majority" -> "artifacts. A Majority"
"1-2 males for every 20 females" -> "one or two males for every twenty"
"Eh, fair enough" -> "...you've never seen how much crap's piled up in there have you?"
"pretty sour and salty" -> "pretty sour with just a pinch of salt"
"trampling down" -> "dancing gleefully"
"The padlocks on the chains" -> "The padlocks binding them together"
"darn things" -> "damn things"
"small flush or red" -> "small flush of red"
"massive mirror posed" -> "massive mirror and posed"
"shutter button thought" -> "shutter button though"
"stupid" -> "silly of me"
"pulled her leg up" -> "lifted her leg"
"pulling quite harshly" -> "tugging quite harshly"
"conversation before with" -> "prior conversation with"
"known again" -> "known"
"Again without actually thinking about it" -> "Again, without actually thinking about it,"
"experiment happened" -> "experiment"
"might've just seen anything" -> "might've seen anything"
"from across the campus from town's" -> "across the campus from the city's"
"though the order" -> "though order"
"before the stopped" -> "before they stopped"
"quilted or restrained" -> "guilted or restrained"
"left to search" -> "left to look"
"too long as the dirt slowly wore off but" -> "too long, as the dirt slowly wore off, but"


Chapter 2
 "incident rate around here" -> "incident rate these days"
"everyone's paycheck back" -> "everyone's paychecks back"
"more as a pout" -> "more like a kid's sulking"
"right back through" -> "right through"
"there anyway but" -> "there anyway. But"
"right in only" -> "right in, only"
"signal problem" -> "signal problems"
"harshly slid the door shut" -> "snapped the door shut"
"anchored trashing about" -> "anchored flailing about"
"diminished ring" -> "diminished ringing"
"down in front of her" -> "down in front of Kari"
"first ones to stay here all night" -> "first ones to spend half the night here"
"a targeted window" -> "a targeted section"
:gown feature" -> "gown featuring"
"everything out" -> 'everything about"
"intent to give" -> "intend to give"
"reinforced that theory" -> 'reinforced the theory"
"a lot of thrashing around" -> " a lot of twisting about"
"Ever her majesty" -> "Even if her majesty"
"surface to Kari to" -> "surface for Kari to"


Chapter 3
"confirmed her existence" -> "confirmed its existence"
"just to think" -> "in the moment"
"onto the floor, who" -> "onto the floor; who"
"so suddenly" -> "suddenly"
"home term" -> "home turf"
"crazy or it's" -> "crazy or if it's"
"Kari's doubt" -> "Kari's skepticism"
"to talk to all" -> "to talk to after all"
"pull her foot out" -> "pull her foot away"
"watching the raindrops" -> "watching raindrops"
"massive of junk" -> "massive box of junk"
"the memory faded. reality" -> "the memory faded, reality"


Chapter 4
"bad idea; as dizziness" -> "bad idea, as dizziness"
"head; all too" -> "head. All too"
"tried to remember" -> "tried to figure out"
"I feel your" -> "I feel the steps of your"
"the door to the office" -> "the office door"
"lost her momentum, Kari lost the will to argue and picked" -> "lost her momentum along with the will to argue, Kari picked"
"do things like that" -> "do things like this"
"of exactly what" -> "of what else"
"on the fourth floor of the student dorms" -> "on the student dorm's fourth floor"
"fringe of medicine" -> "fringe of biology"
"they were unrelated." -> "they were unrelated with the emergence of their larger counterparts."
"as a graduation gift." -> "as a graduation gift if no one adopts us before then."
"For a moment" -> "For a second"
"remembered it all this time." -> "remembered it after all this time."
"without someone notice the furnace" -> "without someone noticing the furnace"
"not finding it directly." -> "not finding it yet again."
"passing students; so" -> "passing students. They"
"of their evening time." -> "of their evening"
"the rain the class" -> "the rain, her class time"
"Kari heart rate" -> "Kari's heart rate"
"warm hand old met flesh devoid" -> "warm hand met cold flesh, devoid"


Chapter 5
"neccessary; introductions" -> "neccessary. Introductions"
"sick; being" -> "sick, being"
"leap out of" -> "leapt out of"
"a giant" -> "an amazon"
"Once his" -> "After his"
"age; that" -> "age. That"
"that long, since she sat down, that" -> "very long since she sat down, that"
"Even with through" -> "Even through"
"the help from the orphanage's staff" -> "the help from this orphanage's staff"
"their tone becoming ever more serious" -> "their tone draggin with it a great, unseen weight"
"darkened sarcasm" -> "darkened humor"
"in pitch; their" -> "in pitch. Their"
"owners conveying a suffering only conveyable through rasping cries" -> "suffering only conveyable through shrill, rasping cries not even allowing a moment to breath"
"forward; being" -> "forward, being"
"hissed; although" -> "hissed, although"
"aruge; letting" -> "argue, letting"
"a brave face" -> "a brave face."
"his set up were" -> "his set up was"
"I could find it" -> "I'd find it"
"in her eyes" -> "her eyes"
"dorms of evacuate" -> "dorms or evacuate"
"ground; in various" -> "ground, in various"
"decay, some" -> "decay. Some"
"that; the" -> "that, the"
"driving them" -> "stirring them"
"But the burning sensation" -> "But the searching stings"
"through lunging" -> "lunging through"


Chapter 6
"barrier fence's" -> "outer fence's"
"two girl's" -> "two girls"
"could even still see Orianna" -> "kept up the pace for this long"
"it just have been faster to run" -> "it have been faster to just run"
"the teachers or students coming to investigate the racket in Virl's building stopped us;" -> "any teachers or students came to investigate the racket in Viril's building stopped us,"
"have been caught" -> "get caught up"
"legs and lungs" -> "legs and chest"
"too coincidental; but I do believe" -> "too coincidental. For now...I think I believe"
"so freely with everyone else too" -> "so openly with anyone but me"
"festival mask" -> "festival garb from another century"
"Even as Jade stopped direct in front of the body, they didn't move an inch" -> "Jade walked right up the individual, acting as though she expected the statue-like manner in which her approach was treated."
"Jade held out the crystal and immediately the masked individual reached out to accept it." -> "She took the crystal from Orianna and dangled it before the mask. A gloved hand sprang to life and immediately reached out to acept it."
"hide the terror she felt at" -> "hide her terror at"
"that illusions" -> "those illusions"
"and they didn't" -> "and why didn't they"
"You've agitated your injuries" -> You've aggrivated your wounds"
"stars, if needed" -> "stars if needed,"
:have been identified" -> "have been extracted"
"no survivors have" -> "no survivors"
"ancient handwriting" -> "archaic handwriting"
"haunt mankind" -> 'haunt our generations"
"those we call, the Exodai." -> "those we call the Defixio. Or in the more common tongue, the Exodai."
"move one" -> "move on"
"the aforementioned" -> "spoken over with the aforementioned"


Chapter 7
"barely covered body" -> "palid, nearly shapeless body"
"the patient's room" -> "the sealed room"
"Each on" -> "Each one"
"with the putrified" -> "by the putrified"
"This home hadn't been" -> "This home wasn't"
"her door shut" -> "the door shut"
"viral or radioactive" -> "viral to radioactive"
"Isis turned around" -> "Isis looked back"
"two moves" -> "two strides"
"her Mistress." -> "her Mistress. As such she refrained from trying to warn the young man any further against the dangers of that box."
"Varick wasn't without pity. He silently waved goodbye to Isis" -> "Varick silently waved goodbye to Isis"
"I thought there was only one prototype." -> "There's only one purified prototype. That other one is..."
"treading her rod" -> "treating her rod"


Chapter 8
"hand and in a second produced a miniscule ball of Essentia." -> "hand. Producing a miniscule ball of Essentia after a few seconds."
"comfortable; knowing" -> "comfortable, knowing"
"but in" -> "only after"
"inactive state." -> "inactive state. But I don't want to encourage that yet..."
"She shuddered, both" -> "She shuddered. Both" (near her, and -> near her and)
"subsequent memory." -> "subsequent memory unearthed."
"escape being" -> "escape her role as"
"held no voice" -> "possessed no voice"
"other functions; as proven" -> "other functions, as proven"
"This one still worries me though." -> "This one I'm not too happy about playing visitor to."
"quite possible" -> "quite possibly"
"halls; each" -> "halls, each"
"skeptic; let" -> "skeptic, let"
"drawing near it" -> "drifting near it"
"manipulation ever is." -> "manipulation is ever a safe bet"
"should normally be" -> "is typically"
"and slide to either side" -> "and slid to either side"
"ally were returning; but quickly dismissed it." -> "ally was returning, but quickly dismissed it."
"see the new birth" -> "see the abomination"
"Maybe it these" -> "Maybe these"
"just enough to cause rend the flesh" -> "just enough depth to rend the flesh"


Chapter 9
"she held only" -> "she held onto"
"Cradle's destroyer" -> "Cradle's demolisher"
"you too if you like" -> "you to stay as well if you like"
"down a dusted" -> "down and dusted"
"It's like modern" -> "It's like a modern"
"beat the every" -> "beat every"
"logical though" -> "logical thought"
"Essentia too fell back into" -> "Essential too fell into"
"also utilize" -> "also utilizing"


Chapter 10
"I've been able to visit" -> "I've visted her on several occasions"
"Something that had bothered Kari sprang to mind suddenly" -> "Something that bothered Kari's thoughts lately sprang to mind."
"tell your" -> "tell you your"
"tell you more" -> "give you more specifics"
"Jade waved" -> "Jade weaved"
"loosening its hold' -> "loosening its grasp"
"loose its grip" -> "weakened its grip"
"known beforehand either." -> "known beforehand either, but I see to be gaining quite a following."
"two hours again" -> "two hour ago"


Chapter 11
"finished work" -> "finished charm"
"build into her" -> "built into her"
"had been only" -> "had only lasted"
"In place this" -> "In a place this"
"I figured tomorrow I've" -> "I figured I could hold off until tomorrow to try again. I've"
"who kept trying to rape my guitarist" -> "who thought trying to rape my guitarist was a good plan."
"tiny blaced teeth digging into the surface and soundlessly cutting away." -> "shifting into a sharpened edge which cut soundlessly into the metal's surface."
"I'm reducing" -> "I'm all for reducing"
"terrible please with" -> "terribly pleased with"
"gone some" -> "got some"
"as the passed" -> "as they passed"
"even more chaos" -> "more chaos"
"all these bottled mixtures." -> "all these bottles of jumbled emotions."
"passing through the" -> "passed through the"


Chapter 12
"Like herself" -> "Like Jade"
"through along" -> "along"
"Although understandable" -> "ALthough understandably"
"and allowing her to land gently upon the metal walkway." -> "before landing gently upon the metal walkway."
"the command one" -> "the command of one"
"Even if she" -> "If she"
"To add an Exodai's" -> "To add another Exodai's"
"stance neither aggressive" -> "stance not quite crossing into aggression"
"graveling" -> "groveling"
"as sis over there." -> "as Isis. I'm the older sister in all respects."
"they'd throw" -> "they'd thrown"


Chapter 13
"wouldn't fall" -> "refused to fall"
"being indefinitely" -> "remaining indefinitely"
"still remained" -> "was still trapped"
"rush forward" -> "rushed forward"
"new approach" -> "new offensive measure"
"a blow in" -> "a slam in"
"lesser power" -> "lesser spiritual capacity"
"now with Orianna's safety at stake as well" -> "now, with Orianna's safety at stake as well,"
"heads back on straight." -> "heads back on properly."
"smacked heartilly" -> "heartilly smacked"
"damaged shield" -> "damaged barrier"
"Finally, with one final strike," -> "Then, as Jade channeled every wisp of Essentia,"
"the internals" -> "the core internals"
"to look upon" -> "to gaze upon"
"danger sense" -> "danger senses"
"Kari's sight" -> "Kari's field of view"


Epilogue
"use a baseline" -> "use as a baseline"
"unfortunately enough" -> "unfortuate enough"
"awakening; looking" -> "awakening, looking"
  • Mood: Crazy
  • Listening to: Lazy Maze
  • Reading: Drafts
  • Watching: C is going to be a running joke isn't it?
  • Playing: Conception II
  • Eating: Freezer Food
  • Drinking: I has apple soda.

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:iconmiyo-chan02:
Miyo-chan02 Apr 17, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You should go and visit Chloria again >w< and bombard my threads with our crazy chat
Reply
:iconaio-chan:
Ack, I sorries, got buried in editing. ;_;
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:iconmiyo-chan02:
Miyo-chan02 3 hours ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Nah it's okay that's important yknow :3
Reply
:iconaio-chan:
Lies. XD *snaps a Miyo-catching clamp shut* <3
Reply
:iconmiyo-chan02:
Miyo-chan02 Apr 7, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Koala-chaaan how are you O:
Reply
:iconaio-chan:
Tired. @_@ Been hiding out on Second Life a lot too. XD What about you?
Reply
:iconmiyo-chan02:
Miyo-chan02 Apr 8, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Second Life? O: and OMG I missed you by 20 minutes!

I just opened a shop o///o it's doing pretty well... today's my first day and all my 5 slots got filled >////< am almost finished with the first order
Reply
:iconaio-chan:
Yep. Look it up. :3 It's basically a 3D avatar chat world. <3 Aww, poor Miyo. XD

Oh wow, making a lot of coppers? :3
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(1 Reply)
:iconmiyo-chan02:
Miyo-chan02 Mar 28, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Heeeeeeeeeey what happened to you? >w<
Reply
:iconaio-chan:
Ah, sorry. I just haven't really logged in lately. X-x;
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